"Pauline died Last Year"
I stared at the screen in disbelief as the prickle of tears stung my eyes. Pauline was what we call a “superfan” in the publishing world. It is the reader who is your biggest advocate and the one who reads all your books. That is the theory, but to me, she was so much more than that.
She was the person who reminded me that my words had the power to touch others. Because at some point, all authors ask themselves, “Why am I even doing this?”
As a writing coach, I am usually the person reminding my authors that their stories matter. But as many coaches know, coaching oneself is not that effective. Pauline stood in that gap. I can’t even remember when our paths crossed, but it was through my medieval fantasy newsletter. In one newsletter, I told my readers that I was struggling with writer’s block. Pauline jumped in and offered to send me for a massage. At that point, she was almost a stranger to me.
You see, she had read every one of my books. She knew I was going through a rough patch and did not want me to stop reaching for my vision, which was to write a series for each of my children. Ours was not a public friendship. I have met none of her friends. We did not go to parties together. Almost no one knew we were part of each other’s lives.
On the evening of 07 July 2022, I was sitting in bed at my eldest daughter’s grandparents’ house, writing a death scene in my fifth book. The next morning, the hospital called to say that my father had passed away.
I knew he was on his last days, but his death put a roadblock in that book’s progress.
Pauline held me in her prayers and her heart, and in 2023, I released The Curse of the Dragons. It was not book 5, but the backstory of a key character, the Dark Whisperer. He was the one who was hell-bent on destroying all the dragon eggs and the whisperers.
I developed a talk, “The Mighty Flame: Dragon Lessons on Purpose,” based on my dragon series, and spoke about it on the PechaKucha stage at The Tryst in Johannesburg in August 2023.
Pauline came to watch, and our relationship deepened.
In August 2024, Alison Weihe launched her book, “Belonging,” at The Tryst, and Pauline sent me a pre-loved dress she believed would work beautifully for the launch. She suggested I wear the dress with a red jacket and red shoes. She bought Alison’s book and again showed the depth of her support by supporting someone whose book I believe in.
I stepped onto the stage to interview Alison, knowing that Pauline was again holding me in her heart. I had never worn animal print before, but Pauline was always the epitome of elegance, and so I trusted her judgment. Red was rapidly becoming the colour many of my followers associated with me.
After the book launch, Pauline found another pet project. My social life.
I confess, I am a bit of a workaholic, and Pauline questioned me about how much “Me Time” I was getting. When my answer was not what she expected, Pauline planned regular lunches with just the two of us. On 04 March 2025, we had one of those lunches for my birthday.
I did not know it then, but it would be the last time I saw Pauline.
By then, the seed of something else was born. Most of my book coaching clients were writing books about something dramatic that had happened in their lives. I made a mental shift to work on my non-fiction book, and the seeds for Taming the Monster of Postpartum Depression sprouted roots. I was tired of hearing how many women were struggling in silence. Again, I took to Jacques de Villiers‘s PechaKucha stage on June 22, 2025, and Pauline booked for the event. But her partner had a stroke earlier in the year and Pauline had to step in and help with caring for me that evening.
In July 2025 last year, we were still chatting regularly. That month, she travelled to her family in the UK. Again in that month, I sent her Penni Cox Silent Strolls sign-up forms in July and again she signed up. Pauline was willing to support my tribe as part of her journey to support me. Later that month, she started doing renovations on her home, but was still pushing me to keep writing my series.
The last message I received from Pauline was on 27 December 2025 at 8:25 PM. It was a meme on Instagram saying, “Congratulations, you have renewed your friendship with me.”
2026 has been a somewhat brutal year for me, and I became so engrossed in getting Taming the Monster completed that I sank back into being a workaholic. The occasional Parkrun with Diana Rodrigues or a quick chat with my friend Lisa was my most regular downtime.
This past week, I pressed send for the Advanced Reader Copies of my book and I thought, “Finally, Pauline’s wait is over.” I wanted to share the news with her, and so I sent a message on 17 August 2026.
She did not respond.
I knew her son was hoping to start a family, and so I assumed their wait was over and she was back in the UK, hopefully as a grandmother.
Then, at 15H15 on Saturday, 22 August 2026, two hours before we were about to drive through to Alison Weihe’s social for a few of the PSASA members, I got a response from someone in Pauline’s family.
Pauline had passed away at the end of last year from a brain bleed.
I stared at the message on my phone. It felt like something was crushing me from the inside. Diana was about to arrive at our home, and somehow I had to pull myself together and carry on.
People seldom see how much loss affects me. They see me getting on with things, doing what needs to be done, but they don’t always see what it takes to pull myself together when something breaks inside me.
And Pauline’s death broke something in me. In my home, everyone is doing something, chatting on the phone, playing games and making snacks, but I sit alone in my grief, scrolling through forgotten messages. As my tears spill over, I know that whoever answered that message on Pauline’s phone is carrying grief of their own and will never know just how much she meant to me.
You see, I thought we would have had more time. Time for me to finish the series and tell her just how important she really was to me. Pauline never asked me for anything. She was patient, kind, and supportive in a way that showed she cared about my writing journey. I hope this is a reminder to those of you who feel you have a story to tell: never to let life get in your way.
Thank you, dear Pauline. I will carry you in my heart forever.
Kim Vermaak has built her career on the knowledge that most people are far more capable than the story they are currently telling about themselves.
As an emotional intelligence trainer, TEDx speaker, book coach, and author of nine published works, she works with corporate leaders and thought leaders ready to close the gap between who they are in private and who they show up as in public. Through her journal, How You Show Up, she builds the self-awareness that helps professionals reframe their thinking, and her book coaching practice helps leaders find the structure, the voice, and the courage to put their knowledge into the world.
She is also a storyteller in the fullest sense. Her evolving medieval fantasy series, comprising four novels, several novellas, and a growing collection of short stories, draws on themes of identity, resilience, and the long road back to self. Her author development guides, including Escaping the Well of Silence, and writer’s retreats support writers at every stage of their journey.
And then there is the book she had to write.
In 2003, the year after her first daughter was born, Kim was named the BWA Nedbank Regional Start-Up Business of the Year. She was building a company, navigating single parenthood, and keeping the reality of postpartum depression entirely to herself. More than two decades later, she published Taming the Monster of Postpartum Depression, a work that merges lived experience with neuroscience and real family stories, and challenges the corporate world to take parental mental health seriously. That gap between public achievements and private struggles is precisely what the book is about.
A PechaKucha and TEDx speaker, Kim has shared her insights across radio, HR forums, and corporate wellness platforms. She serves as President of the Johannesburg chapter of PSASA and is a finalist in the 2026 Woman of Stature Awards in the Coaching and Mentorship category.
Her sessions are honest, grounded, and insight-led, the kind that stay with a room long after the applause has faded.
She is available for keynotes, workshops, panel discussions, and corporate wellness programmes.
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